Today I experienced an awkward moment with a close friend. I suppose I asked for it in a way ... we were discussing personality tics a few weeks ago and I asked her to notice if I had any. <A good example of "be careful what you ask for" if ever there was one.> Anyway, apparently there are a couple of things I do that annoy her and to give her credit, she asked if it was a good time to tell me what she has observed. <Hmmm ... is there really ever a good time? I wonder ... > Anyway, I listened to what she had to say ... defensiveness bubbling beneath the surface and it took all I had to stay silent while she talked. The whole time, I kept telling myself that I asked for this: that we are mirrors for each other ... act don't react ... she means well ... it's her stuff ... where there's smoke there's fire ... all the enlightened things I know. Then one of the things she said really got to me: "I thought you were trying to be so enlightened ... if you were you wouldn't have done ... " I've got to admit I really had to bite my tongue at that point.
If we are truly mirrors for each other, then we both had something to learn from this experience. Although what she said is her perception of what I did, her perception is valid as far as she can see. I don't know what part of what I did triggered her response ... nor does she know what I was thinking and feeling when she ascribed a motive to my action.
What this helped me see is that when a stranger appears gruff and incompetent ... they are probably doing the best they can and I don't know their circumstances any more than they know mine. So maybe next time I will try to be more enlightened and compassionate and see the light within them <no matter how dim … sorry, I just had to throw that in!>. I learned that even though I think I am in a neutral stance with a neutral facial expression that it may be perceived differently. We can't be in resonance with everyone but I am OK just the way I am ... and so is everyone else. The only person I can change is myself ... and maybe I don't even need to change. Maybe they don't either. I learned that there is a fine line between discretion and friendship and walking that tightrope is a precarious endeavor.
I know that life is too short and we can't get mad at every perceived slight. Forgiveness and tolerance are high on my list of values as well as loyalty and acceptance. I realize that acceptance is a two-way street … we have to give it in order to get it. I really do try to be non-judgmental but it is an ongoing process. I choose to not be around people I don't enjoy but on a practical note, I know that you can only end so many friendships before you are alone. Even if you make new friends at some point they will also disappoint you … and then you can either choose to let it go or choose to be alone again.
I choose my friends carefully and I can't imagine life without their love and support. We might not always see eye to eye about everything <or anything in some cases> but that's what makes life so interesting and fun. I am grateful for my friends and I want them to know that I love them just the way they are. Remember:
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.
In the end, things are only about us if we choose to take them personally ...
If we are truly mirrors for each other, then we both had something to learn from this experience. Although what she said is her perception of what I did, her perception is valid as far as she can see. I don't know what part of what I did triggered her response ... nor does she know what I was thinking and feeling when she ascribed a motive to my action.
What this helped me see is that when a stranger appears gruff and incompetent ... they are probably doing the best they can and I don't know their circumstances any more than they know mine. So maybe next time I will try to be more enlightened and compassionate and see the light within them <no matter how dim … sorry, I just had to throw that in!>. I learned that even though I think I am in a neutral stance with a neutral facial expression that it may be perceived differently. We can't be in resonance with everyone but I am OK just the way I am ... and so is everyone else. The only person I can change is myself ... and maybe I don't even need to change. Maybe they don't either. I learned that there is a fine line between discretion and friendship and walking that tightrope is a precarious endeavor.
I know that life is too short and we can't get mad at every perceived slight. Forgiveness and tolerance are high on my list of values as well as loyalty and acceptance. I realize that acceptance is a two-way street … we have to give it in order to get it. I really do try to be non-judgmental but it is an ongoing process. I choose to not be around people I don't enjoy but on a practical note, I know that you can only end so many friendships before you are alone. Even if you make new friends at some point they will also disappoint you … and then you can either choose to let it go or choose to be alone again.
I choose my friends carefully and I can't imagine life without their love and support. We might not always see eye to eye about everything <or anything in some cases> but that's what makes life so interesting and fun. I am grateful for my friends and I want them to know that I love them just the way they are. Remember:
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.
In the end, things are only about us if we choose to take them personally ...
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