Taking responsibility for ourselves is a goal worthy of achieving, but sometimes our automatic reactions defeat us. I am sure you have at some time reacted to something you didn’t want to hear like bad news or criticism. Once triggered, we automatically react defensively or thoughtlessly rather than reflectively. Then we usually wind up feeling guilty when things later calm down and we have time to think about our response. Sometimes it is better to pause and take a deep breath before responding, rather than saying the first thing that enters your head. It might also be helpful to consider whether there is any truth to what is being said and if you truly had any part in the conflict <which is where the defensiveness is probably coming from>.
One of our most basic needs is to be heard and understood. On the flip side, we need to develop effective listening skills instead of just waiting for the other person to finish talking so we can say what is on our own minds. Offer your full attention, show respect to the other person, be curious about what they have to say, look at them, don’t judge them, and be empathetic. Put the focus on them rather than on yourself: look at their body language as well as hearing their words. When you finally respond after truly listening, be genuine and sincere. Don’t try to justify yourself. Apologize if needed, even if you think they are wrong because in all probability you didn’t intend to hurt them. Everyone will go away feeling better, and maybe they will offer you the same treatment the next time you feel misunderstood.
One of our most basic needs is to be heard and understood. On the flip side, we need to develop effective listening skills instead of just waiting for the other person to finish talking so we can say what is on our own minds. Offer your full attention, show respect to the other person, be curious about what they have to say, look at them, don’t judge them, and be empathetic. Put the focus on them rather than on yourself: look at their body language as well as hearing their words. When you finally respond after truly listening, be genuine and sincere. Don’t try to justify yourself. Apologize if needed, even if you think they are wrong because in all probability you didn’t intend to hurt them. Everyone will go away feeling better, and maybe they will offer you the same treatment the next time you feel misunderstood.
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